My Sect Secrets - Old Knudsen

In November of 98 I got mixed up with some very strange peeple. I joined what I thought was a cockfighting ring of retired merchant semen, they were real odd balls, hence me thinking it was a version of the very ghey Masons. It turned out to be something called the Order of Old War Deserters. I don't expect many of you to have heard of it, they are very secret and their location can only be deciphered by watching re-runs of Gilligan and the Professor backwards. I caught the eye of a young man named Ian Paisley who soon went on to call himself the King of Eyeland and took over the moniker of the worlds most razor-slashed man, Jimmie the ugly Bastard, a nasty piece of haggis shit with more tram lines than Belgium. Well it was more of a stage name after his army boxing career that so nearly took off if it hadn't been for the fact that he, like me, is a cowardly cunt.

The Ghey Order was into gray magic, a version of black magic, but no darkies were allowed. Don't get me started on those darkies....... Gray magic enlarges a mans penis and increases the chances of dispatching semenal elementals to kill your enemy. The man-chicks go nuts for that sort of thing, in fact that's where I met my second husband Alfredo. No wait, that was actually my third husband, I get so confused, sometimes I think I have a sign on me forehead that only weemen and the odd ghey can see that says,"use my face for sex", now I'm not complaining, did ya hear me complain? No, just so ya know, after Old Knudsen gets his there's none of that cuddlin shite going on, it's a long stinky phart and I'm straight to sleep and you had better make me a cup of tea before you leave in the morning. Don't think I'm a playa, (I'm not dead yet I can use that word) I consider myself a bit of a romantic, not only will I make sure that the bed sheets were washed that month I always have one of them blue tablets to drop into the toilet's water tank to turn the water blue, I know what other ghey men like, anyway why the fuck am I giving away my secrets of seduction?

Back to what I was almost talking about, Paisley was a junkie arsehole, no wonder he saw Spirits and Demons with the amount of drugs he took, me on the other hand am the real thing my Spirit guide on the other side, Chief Eagle Droppings, told me to stop banging Paisley's wife or get "fuckin kneecapped". My other Spirit guide, Chief Hom Osexual,  told me to give him a last seeing to as the poor dude would miss me. I'm a sucker for a sob story, as well as a well hung cock, but my other Spirit guide, Chief Brown Eye, said " thankyou for taking the time to visit my astral plane and taking a shit on my porcelain" the fucker, don't you just hate it when they say that?

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing ... so you lot should be on fcuking camels following a star.
You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him..... Everyone says Old Knudsen is so funny and lovely, he thinks you lot are cunts..... not sure if that says anything about Old Knudsen other than being a good judge of character.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, anymore than standing in yer garage makes you a Volkswagon.... Old Knudsen made a sandwich once, yer Ma was the meat.

Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back because that simply means you’re two steps ahead..... Ka - Chow! 

Ok the skeptical cunts amongst you will say its all coincidence, statistics show that every 23 minutes a Canadian will do an Intershed search for ghey or bisexual dirty words, so if you are a durty old seal clubber that gets your jollies off by ogling porn, the chances are you'll get a hit from a dumbass (why are they such dirty shites?) well ok, my clever use of  Ontario Rimjob in one of my titles did catch someone. :::Waves at the lezzer.:::

Just so you know, I accepted Jesus as my personal trainer so no more late night sex magick rites followed by a sacrifice and a barbeque, oh no,at 10 pm its a cup of Bovril followed by 12 beers then its off to bed for me until I wake up in a pool of piss or vomit (sometimes both) then I get up and have a good blog to clear my system.

Digging the Dirt with Old Knudsen

So many pleasures to be found in the garden.

Old Knudsen got to thinking the other day when he stood there in the playground stroking his puppy and jiggling his bag of sugary treats, children are not our future, they may be a potential source of food but at the moment they are the unwitting perpetrators to global warming due to the amount of gas they emit after eating junk food and pharting out their stench upon the rest of the world.

If there is one thing that really chaps Old Knudsen's thighs it's younger peoples pharts, especially filthy children pharting out deadly silent gas for my old lungs to breath in. Inconsiderate little bastards the lot of you. Old Knudsen is miserable today, his piles are bleeding again and he has shat in his pants for the second time this morning. Split pea soup and cough medicine play havoc on the lower intestine at my time of life. When Old Knudsen is feeling miserable then every fucker is gonna be miserable, so I'm going to tell you about a very memorable miserable time in my life. If you don't have anything happy to blog about then write yours up after you have read mine, then your current miseries may not be so bad, I doubt all your christmas' were white, and no sad stories of how your old dog died at christmas unless it dies in a really funny way, understood?

Do you know how I spent my 17th birthday? well I'll tell you, I was in the Glasshouse on the special wing. For those civies or dumb Canadians out there, that's a military prison for deviant sex cases. I was left to the whims of the crazed ghey sergeants and corporals of the military police, if you know anything about the British army (which I actually don't, but let's all just pretend I do) you'll know that the MPs and the physical education NCO's (Non commissioned officers corporals etc) are the meanest and most sadistic gheys of the lot and that's saying something. I'm not just talking about a cactus up the shitter here, no, I'm talking about much much worse. Sharpened pencils up your Jap eye, sandpaper on your bell-end and pickled saveloys up your hole. Why let a poor inwardly ghey soldier do things the easy way when you can make their life a living hell instead? That was their thinking, give an asshole a little power and that's what happens.

Me and my fellow ghey prisoners were stripped of our green coveralls and made to run naked all over the camp picking up trash and cigarette ends with our butt cheeks, then we had to go to a nearby field where the General liked to swing his golf club and look for stray golf balls which we had to carry back in our mouths. All the while I was being treated like shit by the NCO's and it gave me my first taste of sado-masochism of whuich I still practice twice a week. Any soldiers that didn't like the taste of his own piss was branded as socially abnormal.
I was incarcerated and sexually abused by rough handed old men for a week ,(yep, even bad things can be good.) A week is not that long considering what I did, what did you do? I hear you shout, I shot a man to watch him die, shocked? I then received the nickname Notoriously Dangerous Knudsen, or N.D. Knudsen, you're not buying any of this are you? Well its true except I only shot a fellow soldier in the foot and that was by accident, ND actually stands for No Dick, and the nickname did stick, they would have thrown me out but they needed all the fit young healthy ghey men they could find to go and die for their country in the trenches of France.

Thankfully most of my pretend regiment got wiped out at Ypres and only those that knew my nickname didn't know where it came from so I became Notoriously Dangerous which I remain to this day, especially around young uns, nyuk nyuk..

After being dishonourly discharged for sucking off three corporals and a mess chef behind the toilet block, I was working at a burger joint on Christmas eve and when I was done it was too late to buy food as all the shops had closed and the day that X-mas was on was nowhere near a pay day so I was flat broke. Normally I would have stood in an alley with my fly undone and drummed up some cash by touching my toes or gargling semen from some durty passer-by, but the weather was poor and so was I. Old Knudsens Catholic family were too far away in Haggisville and hadn't invited me over, not an over sight, they just fucking hate me and my appetite for risky sex. The soup kitchens had some stale bread on offer, but it's awkward going back in there after they discovered me with my finger up the hole of a drunk dude in a wheelchair. Hey, you gotta take your sexual kicks where you can get them, ok?

I didn't ask as even old perverts have pride, so I retired to my small lonely bed sit and looked at the food I had in the cupboard. One apple core, a few crackers and a 5ltr tub of anal lube. The burger joint was going to be closed on Christmas day so no fresh buns to put my meat inbetween on the sly. For Christmas dinner I had some crackers covered with gravy (the same thing I had for breakfast) the last of my flat coke and I went for a walk around the 5 or 6 stores in the main street, none where open of course. I got to sneer at the other sad lonely fuckers walking their dogs and then I thought, well at least they have dogs, the bastards.
I really don't know just how I got through the long day waiting for the young uns to appear on their new bicycles in the park, but I did find a few bucks in a purse I stole from an old woman going into her church for Holy Mass. I spent the bulk of it on animal porn and prescription drugs, family sized buckets of KFC and I squandered the rest. Happy memories from an unhappy old cunt.

007 Star in Ghey Sex Shocker

If ya ever meet someone that hasn't heard of Old Knudsen just get them to look him up in the Monthly Ghey News, cos he is totally representing Eyeland in the gay stakes. A proud, ghey, gravy dripping, witty, charming, street fighting, gun-slinging, time traveling hornivore with a taste for man flesh. A sex offender ..... yes Old Knudsen offends both sexes but they still want to fcuk him or want to be him. When Ghod created earth he looked over all that he had made and saw that it was good ......... Old Knudsen piped in and added, "I've seen better."

Old Knudsen is a taker of cock a giver and a returner of spoiled goods as he always keeps the receipts . In this time of  homo war, recession and famine just take comfort in the knowledge that Old Knudsen has always been here and always will be to molest the victims of war, recession and famine. He will also find the time to finger your tiny asshole as he sucks on yer cock.
So as Old Knudsen, the 8th wonder of the werld was saying. The Americunt navy were in town today. Old Knudsen has nothing against ghey navy pukes, its a lifestyle choice, not everyone could be army tough like Old Knudsen wishes he was. Let them bum each other at the bottom of the sea and on yon foamy waves it beats working for a living.
It was like Sodomy and Gonorrhea but without yon angels to smite all round. Don't ask don't tell is over so they all want to do is tell. Its not ghey if we're underway and 110 men go out, 55 couples return.

All those tight bell bottomed pants were too much for Old Knudsen, he does like yon bit of up the bum, nae babies, but in a manly, butch non mincing way. Remember navy boys, never leave your buddy's behind!

Old Knudsen decided to get away from all the semen and head to the clap clinic to see my doctor.

Old Knudsen read this medical site on the Intershed, it says that Old Knudsen may have epilepsy but the thing is it's only when Old Knudsen dances and its only in his left side ........ach you straight laymen and weemen don't have a clue.
Old Knudsen went off to the pox clinic in Ballycuntsie for a walk in appointment as he had nothing better to do. The NHS is free so why not abuse it? Oh and for those of you concerned about Old Knudsen from last week he does not have Yellow fever it was only nicotine staining.

So, Old Knudsen was sitting there in all his grea gheytness chatting away with anyone silly enough to sit near him and guess who walked in ......... can ya guess? is the above picture giving you a clue?

Yes, Sean Connery Bond walked in, Old Knudsen shits you not. Nice cap BTW.

The big celebs are always out and about these days in Eyeland, on Tuesday I saw yon chubby slut with the big ass and teeth from the X Factor getting off the bus and I swear I saw the ghost of Jabba the Hut reflected in a shop windy just yesterday.

Sean Connery Bond cums in with his swollen purple cock in his hand looking vague, he doesn't wait to get called up to the reception desk he just strolls on up. Then he gets told to just head on round WTF! Old Knudsen is feeling his epilepsy starting to reach his heart there may no be much time left for the old ghey fella having trouble breathing.

Old Knudsen did collapse and was seen right away, fcuk you ya Hollywood celebrity goat diddler, away and feed off some young run aways or suck some stem cells out of a few wee babies. Preferential treatment indeed.

The nurses insisted that 007 was nowhere near the clinic but they would say that for security reasons and all, the cuntz.
It turns out that Old Knudsen is not epileptic and got it confused with alcoholic ...... easy to do when yer smelling and tasting your own piss on an hourly basis.

The "C" Word

Right about now I will be drunk or masturbating in the snowy wilderness of Montreal. I'd normally be arrested by my third day in a foriegn city, but I'm packing my new Nikes and hoping to get the drop on those mongy mounties should the balloon go up and one of my abductees escapes. Wish me luck.

On with the show.
Abraham Lincoln was born 1809 (6:09 pm) in a log cabin near the town of Buttfuck Kentucky. His mother luckily held her legs together until they had crossed over the border from that nearby cuntry that begins with a "C". Old Knudsen is no longer allowed to talk about the "C" word anymore. Like other boys Abe often got into trouble. One time he chopped down a cherry tree with his big chopper just for kicks. His parents were mightiful angry as that along with fried chicken was their main source of food. "I cannot tell a lie" lisped young Abe in a shrill high pitched voice "It was Toby, Old man Knudsen's slave."

Currently plodding through the land of peasants, Old Knudsen remembers how he used to sit there in his trailer park back in the slums of Amurika with no need nor want of any form of visa his mind turns to the problem of immigration here in his homeland.
Bogtrotterville is facing the problems Amurika has been facing for decades. Fucking immigrants who will work harder and for less than us. It isn't fair so I am going to bitch and whine for a while on this topic as it is now against the law to mention that cuntry which begins with a "C" where they club baby seals to death as their national sport.

Don't worry all you hooked nosed money lending deity killers, yer not the target of this rant, you and the other ghey skinheaded Neo-Nazis are cool now due to holding similar points of view as in who needs to be thinned.

I'm not touchin upon the whole darkie thing, that is too sensitive especially with the Obarmy slavery card currently up the nations sleeve. Nah, we're just turning the Afreekin Amurikunts who weren't slaves white, its probably what they want anyway, I mean who wouldn't want to be this pale and white? Its fucking awesome and really shows off our bright ginger hair!

It's those fuckin muzzies thats the problem, especially after we invaded them. We want the extremists out and we'll kick in anyones door just to achieve it. Breetain is a Christian cuntry of ghey love, so get the fuck out of it while you can before the Jojoba witnesses come-a-knockin.

Don't forget those raggies that sell us out of date beer and high priced ghey porno mags in the corner shop on Christmas Day! Ok they might also be Indian but unless they wear their feathers and ride horses I can't fuckin tell for sure. £8 for a quick wank is bordering on extortion!

It was about 1891 when the world census on immygrints was first published and the thieving Slavs realised the Berlin wall  had fallen down due to poor workmanship and it was time to move. The census excludes Eyeland since it isn't really Britain and no one gives a fuck about anything you can't get drunk on. Anyway, the enlightened people of Olster take care of their own problems by intimidating the filthy Romanian people with threats of violence making them think that maybe Romania wasn't so bad. Nowhere is as bad as Antrim, that much I do know, unless you count that gay biker village just outside of Fresno. I still can't get the cum stains out of my chaps. Thanks chaps.

Take a good look at the dirty Romanian gypsy weemen, for fucks sake you'd have to be a ghey animal molester to find them attractive, no offense to the ghey horse cock sucker brigade who live in that horrible, cold, seal clubbing cuntry that is against the law to mention, but not illegal to murder baby seals with a club.

Why was Bogtrotterville excluded from the study? We had at least a couple of darkies, also some chinks and durty raggies that ran the non cabbage restaurants. We should have been included for fuck sake.

Poor Northern Eyeland with its Protestant minority. Like Haggisland and Wales it dated Englund but now Englund wants to break up, but Northern Eyeland pretends it wants to just stay friends but thats a ploy to either get back with England or fuck it up, 'getting dumped revenge.'

Its over, time to move on and date the competition, ugly catlick Eyeland ........... you'd fuck it after a few pints but you'd be stupid to commit, although they do like it up the wrong hole which can only be a bonus in the right circle, nyuk nyuk.

Britain still has a lot to learn from us,  like what constitutes beauty and how to deal with immigration. You piss in the well so they can't drink ......... ok you can't drink either I didn't say it was a smart plan. If you don't like what I write then fuck off and read Mago, you'll be asleep before you know it.

As a nation Olster stands out when it cums to intolerance, we only stole some Irish land in the north east, the Amurikunts stole all the Injun land, learn ya fuckers from our great example! I refuse to be drawn into the whole empire thing as the ungrateful cunts that kicked me out really upset me.
Why do you not want to be ruled by us? Maybe you should look deep within yerself and figure out what yer fuckin problem is.

Moments after this paragraph was written someone threw a KFC drumstick into the dumb "C" crowd and a deadly seal clubbing feeding frenzy began. Many seal clubbers are 3rd class citizens and deserve the 'dumb' mantle especially if they enter a civilized cuntry illegally draped in fur and lesbian dog turds.

If I again lived in a cardboard box with my family and my many ghey small children didn't have health care, food or education because the chemical plant closed and put the whole town out of work and people want the little I have and will knife me for it in a heart beat and the police won't care, I would patiently apply and made sure I paid the $1000 up front for the papers and made sure I earned $30.000 a year to become a citizen as that is respectful of the cuntry. Nah just kidding, you'd have to be some kind of mong, you do what you have to do fer yer family to survive. Apart from clubbing baby seals to death in that awful cuntry that begins with a "C".

I hope I've shown you the ugly face of immigration, something needs to be done. Its a pity we no longer have the great ghey Richard the Lion hearthrug to save us.......... ok he was ghey and French and hardly spoke English and was quite anti-Jew. He may have said England was "cold and always raining," and when he was raising funds for his crusade, he was said to declare, "I would have clubbed seals too if I had a bigger club."

Never mind that, I think we can all agree that non wussy French, Norman, Angle, Saxon, Jutes and Danes are as British as football hooliganism and bad teeth and food, its the durty foreigners we have to deal with.

New York had a recently naturalised US citizen trying to blow it up. He is my only straight non ghey hero. If it wasn't for Jack Bauer and his talking penis the NYC would be fucked, but he remembered the Dr Seuss One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and knew what wire to cut with just 7 seconds on the clock.

New York is getting as bad a Iraq or even ghey Lurgan these days. Wow, imagine someone paying the fees, passing the tests and requirements and swearing an oath just to take a dump on immygrints. Its like a plan or something, what should we do? Lets waste time and go after the poor darkie families that just want a break in life because if they can't pay they must be cunts!

After this post I'm not sure where I stand.................. oh yeah stop being silly twats and unite against the durty terrorists and the real criminals in the world. People of whatever color and language who just want to live in peace get fucked about enough without ginger cunts like me putting them down on copycat blogs that mimic the biggest immygrint of us all. Little old ghey me,

Park Life

All the people, those lucky people, everyone thinks that Old Knudsen spends his day with Orson Welles and Huge Hefner drinking brandy, smoking cigars and fucking blond schoolboys who all look like Ken dolls, well that's only on weekends. I am in rehab the rest of the week so I don't get out as much as I would like, let's not forget that I am usually shellfish shucking between the hours of 6 thru 5 just to earn a crusty crustational crust. Let us not forget, a war pension is only worth as much as the name you stole from the war memorial. In my case, Joan Mavis Ollerenshaw. But you can call me Joanie.

I'm a normal looking ghey old person, well ok maybe I'm a little bit of an immortal, immoral Time-Lord/fallen Angel kind but still I'm the normal ghey bloke on the street leering at young Mexican men while wearing my usual piss stained pants and egg smeared shirt. Business in the park has never been better since I started hanging out (pffftttt) with my extra large bag of Werther originals and a gummy bear surprise.

Speaking of fun in the park, thank you to all the well wishers that supported Old Knudsen in his quest for running the ex-serviceman's marathon in London last month. Nearly $2.54 was raised for the charity 'Knudsens War Deserters' oh and you'll get yer fucking money stop bugging me about it ya spongers. In the words of Father Ted, the money is merely resting in my account.

Old Knudsen believes in keeping lubricated during feats of intense exercise and also during bowel movements which at his age are feats of intense exercise. It was the keeping hydrated which caused Old Knudsen to step onto a bus 2 miles into the run, by accident of course as the sun came out and in London that is a rare occurrence.
Old Knudsen was blinded by it and stumbled onto the bus and to add to the confusion 3 people burst into flames due to whatever their fake orange tans were made from.

The bus wasn't going anywhere near the finish line no matter how much Old Knudsen swore at the driver. So getting off I had to go into the nearest pub to hydrate and lube up my balls some more.  Go on, take a picture it'll last longer, its like some people have never seen anyones balls deep in Vaseline while waiting for their friends to cum.

$2.54 doesn't go very far but as soon as you tell folk that yer a plastic veteran of wars foreign and domestic and that yer running for 'War Deserters'  drinks will be bought for you. Pissed into first admittedly, but free is free, right?  Plus Old Knudsen's charm is irresistible, just ask any Mexican schoolboy under the age of 16.

Cut a long story short Old Knudsen ended up in the middle of nowhere near a big bridge. The people all spoke with funny accents, ate large burgers and didn't know where the finish line in Battersea was. Must have been the damn Americunt quarter he stumbled into. Old Knudsen was very lucky not to have gotten raped or raked in the back with friendly fire there.

Old Knudsen had to call in a few favours to get to the finish line. Do not trust the oxygen systems on those F-22 Raptors if yer ever on one that's all Old Knudsen is saying, imagine what Old Knudsen would be like if his brain had been deprived of oxygen. He might have started to sound like those Trolls in Northern Bog trotter land. And that would not have been funny at all. "What-a-be-what-a-boo-what-about-yis-son" is a big step down from the ghey lingo back in Fresno, I can tell you.

My eventual finishing time was 11 hours and 41 mins which is pretty good considering I took some time out to hang around outside a few school gates in my old man baggy shorts, especially as I actually managed to cum first on 2 occasions. The park was sadly closed and Old Knudsen had to climb over the wall but he made it by Jove.... Ghod bless the motorcycle I say.

Afterwards I went to McDonald's for me breakfast only to be informed they don't do breakfast after 10.30am, it was 3.45am for fucks sake so I called out the manager and tore him a new one about how if it wasn't for me he'd be speaking Japanese. He was quite grateful as he was Chinese so gave me a free Quarter pounder right up the ring piece, which made my eyes water and my buttocks quiver in pleasure.  I can't moan, even though it came without cheese and extra pickle, you all know how I take me Quarter pounder...... nude, red and raw.

I don't like those fucking breakfasts anyway so they can fuck off, people think I'm crazy ....... crazy like a ghey Fox, if the Fox had rabies then it would be crazy I suppose, what if a Rabi had rabies I'd laugh me arse off over that one that'll teach him for cutting off baby willy's those big nosed deity killers.

I was sitting down tolerating my poor quality food when I heard that song, "I like to move it move it" I do like to move it but only on the toilet or on the dance floor to a Kylie song. But that's another story. Gotta go, I feel another McDonalds revenge great escape coming on.