My Sect Secrets - Old Knudsen

In November of 98 I got mixed up with some very strange peeple. I joined what I thought was a cockfighting ring of retired merchant semen, they were real odd balls, hence me thinking it was a version of the very ghey Masons. It turned out to be something called the Order of Old War Deserters. I don't expect many of you to have heard of it, they are very secret and their location can only be deciphered by watching re-runs of Gilligan and the Professor backwards. I caught the eye of a young man named Ian Paisley who soon went on to call himself the King of Eyeland and took over the moniker of the worlds most razor-slashed man, Jimmie the ugly Bastard, a nasty piece of haggis shit with more tram lines than Belgium. Well it was more of a stage name after his army boxing career that so nearly took off if it hadn't been for the fact that he, like me, is a cowardly cunt.

The Ghey Order was into gray magic, a version of black magic, but no darkies were allowed. Don't get me started on those darkies....... Gray magic enlarges a mans penis and increases the chances of dispatching semenal elementals to kill your enemy. The man-chicks go nuts for that sort of thing, in fact that's where I met my second husband Alfredo. No wait, that was actually my third husband, I get so confused, sometimes I think I have a sign on me forehead that only weemen and the odd ghey can see that says,"use my face for sex", now I'm not complaining, did ya hear me complain? No, just so ya know, after Old Knudsen gets his there's none of that cuddlin shite going on, it's a long stinky phart and I'm straight to sleep and you had better make me a cup of tea before you leave in the morning. Don't think I'm a playa, (I'm not dead yet I can use that word) I consider myself a bit of a romantic, not only will I make sure that the bed sheets were washed that month I always have one of them blue tablets to drop into the toilet's water tank to turn the water blue, I know what other ghey men like, anyway why the fuck am I giving away my secrets of seduction?

Back to what I was almost talking about, Paisley was a junkie arsehole, no wonder he saw Spirits and Demons with the amount of drugs he took, me on the other hand am the real thing my Spirit guide on the other side, Chief Eagle Droppings, told me to stop banging Paisley's wife or get "fuckin kneecapped". My other Spirit guide, Chief Hom Osexual,  told me to give him a last seeing to as the poor dude would miss me. I'm a sucker for a sob story, as well as a well hung cock, but my other Spirit guide, Chief Brown Eye, said " thankyou for taking the time to visit my astral plane and taking a shit on my porcelain" the fucker, don't you just hate it when they say that?

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing ... so you lot should be on fcuking camels following a star.
You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him..... Everyone says Old Knudsen is so funny and lovely, he thinks you lot are cunts..... not sure if that says anything about Old Knudsen other than being a good judge of character.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, anymore than standing in yer garage makes you a Volkswagon.... Old Knudsen made a sandwich once, yer Ma was the meat.

Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back because that simply means you’re two steps ahead..... Ka - Chow! 

Ok the skeptical cunts amongst you will say its all coincidence, statistics show that every 23 minutes a Canadian will do an Intershed search for ghey or bisexual dirty words, so if you are a durty old seal clubber that gets your jollies off by ogling porn, the chances are you'll get a hit from a dumbass (why are they such dirty shites?) well ok, my clever use of  Ontario Rimjob in one of my titles did catch someone. :::Waves at the lezzer.:::

Just so you know, I accepted Jesus as my personal trainer so no more late night sex magick rites followed by a sacrifice and a barbeque, oh no,at 10 pm its a cup of Bovril followed by 12 beers then its off to bed for me until I wake up in a pool of piss or vomit (sometimes both) then I get up and have a good blog to clear my system.

007 Star in Ghey Sex Shocker

If ya ever meet someone that hasn't heard of Old Knudsen just get them to look him up in the Monthly Ghey News, cos he is totally representing Eyeland in the gay stakes. A proud, ghey, gravy dripping, witty, charming, street fighting, gun-slinging, time traveling hornivore with a taste for man flesh. A sex offender ..... yes Old Knudsen offends both sexes but they still want to fcuk him or want to be him. When Ghod created earth he looked over all that he had made and saw that it was good ......... Old Knudsen piped in and added, "I've seen better."

Old Knudsen is a taker of cock a giver and a returner of spoiled goods as he always keeps the receipts . In this time of  homo war, recession and famine just take comfort in the knowledge that Old Knudsen has always been here and always will be to molest the victims of war, recession and famine. He will also find the time to finger your tiny asshole as he sucks on yer cock.
So as Old Knudsen, the 8th wonder of the werld was saying. The Americunt navy were in town today. Old Knudsen has nothing against ghey navy pukes, its a lifestyle choice, not everyone could be army tough like Old Knudsen wishes he was. Let them bum each other at the bottom of the sea and on yon foamy waves it beats working for a living.
It was like Sodomy and Gonorrhea but without yon angels to smite all round. Don't ask don't tell is over so they all want to do is tell. Its not ghey if we're underway and 110 men go out, 55 couples return.

All those tight bell bottomed pants were too much for Old Knudsen, he does like yon bit of up the bum, nae babies, but in a manly, butch non mincing way. Remember navy boys, never leave your buddy's behind!

Old Knudsen decided to get away from all the semen and head to the clap clinic to see my doctor.

Old Knudsen read this medical site on the Intershed, it says that Old Knudsen may have epilepsy but the thing is it's only when Old Knudsen dances and its only in his left side ........ach you straight laymen and weemen don't have a clue.
Old Knudsen went off to the pox clinic in Ballycuntsie for a walk in appointment as he had nothing better to do. The NHS is free so why not abuse it? Oh and for those of you concerned about Old Knudsen from last week he does not have Yellow fever it was only nicotine staining.

So, Old Knudsen was sitting there in all his grea gheytness chatting away with anyone silly enough to sit near him and guess who walked in ......... can ya guess? is the above picture giving you a clue?

Yes, Sean Connery Bond walked in, Old Knudsen shits you not. Nice cap BTW.

The big celebs are always out and about these days in Eyeland, on Tuesday I saw yon chubby slut with the big ass and teeth from the X Factor getting off the bus and I swear I saw the ghost of Jabba the Hut reflected in a shop windy just yesterday.

Sean Connery Bond cums in with his swollen purple cock in his hand looking vague, he doesn't wait to get called up to the reception desk he just strolls on up. Then he gets told to just head on round WTF! Old Knudsen is feeling his epilepsy starting to reach his heart there may no be much time left for the old ghey fella having trouble breathing.

Old Knudsen did collapse and was seen right away, fcuk you ya Hollywood celebrity goat diddler, away and feed off some young run aways or suck some stem cells out of a few wee babies. Preferential treatment indeed.

The nurses insisted that 007 was nowhere near the clinic but they would say that for security reasons and all, the cuntz.
It turns out that Old Knudsen is not epileptic and got it confused with alcoholic ...... easy to do when yer smelling and tasting your own piss on an hourly basis.

Two Queens Go To War

Having sworn an oath to protect her Majesty and her heirs and successors I just want you to know what she means to me. Very fucking little. We met once in a darkened doorway in 1943 during an air raid. I was scouting for bodies to rob, she had just split from the Irish hero Martin McGuinness. I thought at first she was a he, yer normal ghey auxiliary driver just trying to stay alive and find some hard cock like I was. I used all my best lines on her as the Doodlebugs exploded nearby saying how we should embrace this moment in passion as it may be our last, she said her heart belonged to some Greek murderer fella named Phil. I said I wasn't interested in her heart just a go at molesting her sons smooth buttocks. She smiled at my mannish ghey roughness and was violently sick in that dark doorway. I have that effect on weemen. We both exploded with far more intensity than any of the bombs and as we stood there spent and panting, we heard the all clear signal and giggled at the timing.

We apologised to the other drunks who were also sheltering in the doorway and we parted, not knowing our fates would be intertwined from that moment onwards. She would become THE Queen of England, I would become THE Queen of Scallyfornia, Northern Ireland, and Scotland. Although in Scotland they didn't so much heil me, more just hate me for being the bunny eyed queer that I am.