My Sect Secrets - Old Knudsen

In November of 98 I got mixed up with some very strange peeple. I joined what I thought was a cockfighting ring of retired merchant semen, they were real odd balls, hence me thinking it was a version of the very ghey Masons. It turned out to be something called the Order of Old War Deserters. I don't expect many of you to have heard of it, they are very secret and their location can only be deciphered by watching re-runs of Gilligan and the Professor backwards. I caught the eye of a young man named Ian Paisley who soon went on to call himself the King of Eyeland and took over the moniker of the worlds most razor-slashed man, Jimmie the ugly Bastard, a nasty piece of haggis shit with more tram lines than Belgium. Well it was more of a stage name after his army boxing career that so nearly took off if it hadn't been for the fact that he, like me, is a cowardly cunt.

The Ghey Order was into gray magic, a version of black magic, but no darkies were allowed. Don't get me started on those darkies....... Gray magic enlarges a mans penis and increases the chances of dispatching semenal elementals to kill your enemy. The man-chicks go nuts for that sort of thing, in fact that's where I met my second husband Alfredo. No wait, that was actually my third husband, I get so confused, sometimes I think I have a sign on me forehead that only weemen and the odd ghey can see that says,"use my face for sex", now I'm not complaining, did ya hear me complain? No, just so ya know, after Old Knudsen gets his there's none of that cuddlin shite going on, it's a long stinky phart and I'm straight to sleep and you had better make me a cup of tea before you leave in the morning. Don't think I'm a playa, (I'm not dead yet I can use that word) I consider myself a bit of a romantic, not only will I make sure that the bed sheets were washed that month I always have one of them blue tablets to drop into the toilet's water tank to turn the water blue, I know what other ghey men like, anyway why the fuck am I giving away my secrets of seduction?

Back to what I was almost talking about, Paisley was a junkie arsehole, no wonder he saw Spirits and Demons with the amount of drugs he took, me on the other hand am the real thing my Spirit guide on the other side, Chief Eagle Droppings, told me to stop banging Paisley's wife or get "fuckin kneecapped". My other Spirit guide, Chief Hom Osexual,  told me to give him a last seeing to as the poor dude would miss me. I'm a sucker for a sob story, as well as a well hung cock, but my other Spirit guide, Chief Brown Eye, said " thankyou for taking the time to visit my astral plane and taking a shit on my porcelain" the fucker, don't you just hate it when they say that?

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing ... so you lot should be on fcuking camels following a star.
You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him..... Everyone says Old Knudsen is so funny and lovely, he thinks you lot are cunts..... not sure if that says anything about Old Knudsen other than being a good judge of character.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, anymore than standing in yer garage makes you a Volkswagon.... Old Knudsen made a sandwich once, yer Ma was the meat.

Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back because that simply means you’re two steps ahead..... Ka - Chow! 

Ok the skeptical cunts amongst you will say its all coincidence, statistics show that every 23 minutes a Canadian will do an Intershed search for ghey or bisexual dirty words, so if you are a durty old seal clubber that gets your jollies off by ogling porn, the chances are you'll get a hit from a dumbass (why are they such dirty shites?) well ok, my clever use of  Ontario Rimjob in one of my titles did catch someone. :::Waves at the lezzer.:::

Just so you know, I accepted Jesus as my personal trainer so no more late night sex magick rites followed by a sacrifice and a barbeque, oh no,at 10 pm its a cup of Bovril followed by 12 beers then its off to bed for me until I wake up in a pool of piss or vomit (sometimes both) then I get up and have a good blog to clear my system.

Digging the Dirt with Old Knudsen

So many pleasures to be found in the garden.

Old Knudsen got to thinking the other day when he stood there in the playground stroking his puppy and jiggling his bag of sugary treats, children are not our future, they may be a potential source of food but at the moment they are the unwitting perpetrators to global warming due to the amount of gas they emit after eating junk food and pharting out their stench upon the rest of the world.

If there is one thing that really chaps Old Knudsen's thighs it's younger peoples pharts, especially filthy children pharting out deadly silent gas for my old lungs to breath in. Inconsiderate little bastards the lot of you. Old Knudsen is miserable today, his piles are bleeding again and he has shat in his pants for the second time this morning. Split pea soup and cough medicine play havoc on the lower intestine at my time of life. When Old Knudsen is feeling miserable then every fucker is gonna be miserable, so I'm going to tell you about a very memorable miserable time in my life. If you don't have anything happy to blog about then write yours up after you have read mine, then your current miseries may not be so bad, I doubt all your christmas' were white, and no sad stories of how your old dog died at christmas unless it dies in a really funny way, understood?

Do you know how I spent my 17th birthday? well I'll tell you, I was in the Glasshouse on the special wing. For those civies or dumb Canadians out there, that's a military prison for deviant sex cases. I was left to the whims of the crazed ghey sergeants and corporals of the military police, if you know anything about the British army (which I actually don't, but let's all just pretend I do) you'll know that the MPs and the physical education NCO's (Non commissioned officers corporals etc) are the meanest and most sadistic gheys of the lot and that's saying something. I'm not just talking about a cactus up the shitter here, no, I'm talking about much much worse. Sharpened pencils up your Jap eye, sandpaper on your bell-end and pickled saveloys up your hole. Why let a poor inwardly ghey soldier do things the easy way when you can make their life a living hell instead? That was their thinking, give an asshole a little power and that's what happens.

Me and my fellow ghey prisoners were stripped of our green coveralls and made to run naked all over the camp picking up trash and cigarette ends with our butt cheeks, then we had to go to a nearby field where the General liked to swing his golf club and look for stray golf balls which we had to carry back in our mouths. All the while I was being treated like shit by the NCO's and it gave me my first taste of sado-masochism of whuich I still practice twice a week. Any soldiers that didn't like the taste of his own piss was branded as socially abnormal.
I was incarcerated and sexually abused by rough handed old men for a week ,(yep, even bad things can be good.) A week is not that long considering what I did, what did you do? I hear you shout, I shot a man to watch him die, shocked? I then received the nickname Notoriously Dangerous Knudsen, or N.D. Knudsen, you're not buying any of this are you? Well its true except I only shot a fellow soldier in the foot and that was by accident, ND actually stands for No Dick, and the nickname did stick, they would have thrown me out but they needed all the fit young healthy ghey men they could find to go and die for their country in the trenches of France.

Thankfully most of my pretend regiment got wiped out at Ypres and only those that knew my nickname didn't know where it came from so I became Notoriously Dangerous which I remain to this day, especially around young uns, nyuk nyuk..

After being dishonourly discharged for sucking off three corporals and a mess chef behind the toilet block, I was working at a burger joint on Christmas eve and when I was done it was too late to buy food as all the shops had closed and the day that X-mas was on was nowhere near a pay day so I was flat broke. Normally I would have stood in an alley with my fly undone and drummed up some cash by touching my toes or gargling semen from some durty passer-by, but the weather was poor and so was I. Old Knudsens Catholic family were too far away in Haggisville and hadn't invited me over, not an over sight, they just fucking hate me and my appetite for risky sex. The soup kitchens had some stale bread on offer, but it's awkward going back in there after they discovered me with my finger up the hole of a drunk dude in a wheelchair. Hey, you gotta take your sexual kicks where you can get them, ok?

I didn't ask as even old perverts have pride, so I retired to my small lonely bed sit and looked at the food I had in the cupboard. One apple core, a few crackers and a 5ltr tub of anal lube. The burger joint was going to be closed on Christmas day so no fresh buns to put my meat inbetween on the sly. For Christmas dinner I had some crackers covered with gravy (the same thing I had for breakfast) the last of my flat coke and I went for a walk around the 5 or 6 stores in the main street, none where open of course. I got to sneer at the other sad lonely fuckers walking their dogs and then I thought, well at least they have dogs, the bastards.
I really don't know just how I got through the long day waiting for the young uns to appear on their new bicycles in the park, but I did find a few bucks in a purse I stole from an old woman going into her church for Holy Mass. I spent the bulk of it on animal porn and prescription drugs, family sized buckets of KFC and I squandered the rest. Happy memories from an unhappy old cunt.