Ever think that yer partner is the devil? or maybe just a cunting Mud monster? well some enterprising yank has come up with restraining orders to keep away supernatural and paranormal entities for only $5 each. You receive a printed document that bars them from approaching or contacting you.
I wish I had known this when I went through that abusive relationship I had with Mary Jane Lezzer, for she was a zombie! no not an I.T. technician a real zombie.
I'd come home from a hard day at the pub and there would be no dinner on the table, the place was a mess and covered in blood. I found part of a man's arm behind the sofa and confronted her with it, she merely snarled and snatched it from my hands and ate it. Do you know how that feels? no I really hope you don't. To be accused of imagining things and having no proof.
Not only do I think she was seeing other men but I think it was weemen, children and neighbourhood dogs.
I tried to talk to her about my ghey feelings but she'd just lurch towards me and try to eat my brains, it was so belittling to be with someone who dismissed you like that and just saw you as a piece of meat, she wanted me for my brains but not in a nice way.
Why did we stay together for two years? You may ask, well it was the great sex. Rough, angry, animalistic anal sex with wrestling and biting. I knew she was getting bored in the last 6 months of our relationship when she'd just lie there like a dead body, I didn't mind but the vacant look in her eyes told me she was thinking about ripping apart someone else.
I found out who it was when I came home early one day to find her biting the milkman. I just left, well I grabbed the beer from the fridge, broke the remote for the TV and left with tears in my eyes, she had never bitten me like that.
Mary Jane was a strange one, I think once they get a taste of yer blood they can't live without you, she only wanted me when she knew she couldn't have me, she'd jump out at me, bang on windows and leave messages on my phone like "eeeerrrrrrrrrrr" but no I have my ghey dignity, I gave into to her once and we were together for a week before the old patterns started up again, no I was done with her and her promises of eerrrrr and gggrrrrr.
I could have done with a restraining order as Mary Jane has never left my life since our break up, yes you've guessed it, she is now one of the heads at the back of my fridge now. I got enough of her one day when she showed up snarling and waving her arms in a jealous and deadly way in the middle of a three some I was having with the Thompson twins.
Her jealous streak shows when I put another head on the fridge shelf but I have taken back my power now. "Alba Gu Bra!"
Maybe yer ex needs a stake through their heart or a jolly good be-heading but not in a dirty Arab way.