Listen Up with Old Knudsen

Listen up people, here I stand in aisle 3 at Walmart scanning with my one good bunny red eye for Anusoil butt cream for my itchy ass, no way will I get that useless fucking Preparation H again, it makes my breath smell. I've been awake for most of the night scratching my rusty bullet hole so my powers of concentration are not very good this morning, plus the fact that my finger smells deliciously like shit. I know because I keep on sniffing it. Kinda addictive after a while aint it?

I look around me at the other aisles, why do so many Americunt weemen with terrible looking saggy butts wear pants with something written on the ass? While I looked at yer 50 year-old pancake rear end to read 'Pink' I could have missed out on yon bubble butt bending over the frozen section, thank you madam!

My gaze stops at a pretty young thing looking at the shampoos, it isn't a moment of me stalking again, no, I am out on parole and behaving myself until the dust settles and I am allowed to go back into the park after the sun goes down. My 1000 yard pretend sniper stare just happens to settle on a beautiful expressive face and all around me gets tuned out. I'm into thinking about my itch or what she would look like naked and hanging from industrial chains from the ceiling of my 'secret room'. This is a more pure adoration like when you find a forgotten piece of fried chicken stuck in a hollow tooth or Old Knudsen can hear the bloodied stumps of fingernails scratching pitifully against the solid oak doors of my special entertainment room hidden beneath the cellar.

And then she farts.

She stands open mouthed like a whale trying to catch plankton for 5 seconds as she farts. During this time the spell is broken and I see her as a mere mortal who would rather look dumb and gleek over everything and everyone than cover the sound of her own gas. I bet she coughs over everything too and uses her mobile phone to talk to people as she sits on the shitter. No wonder Old Knudsen prefers the sexual company of other ghey men instead of weemen. Foul nasty creatures with exploding genitalia that looks like an ox has had its throat cut and has been left outside in the scallyfornia sun to rot for a week. Oh, and the smell....

Its just as well that my parole keeps me from listening to the voice of  Sammy Davis Jnr in my head as I'd probably follow her home and stand in the shadows as the lights go on and off in her house, then I'd search her rubbish and sniff anything remotely connected to her personal hygiene. I'd also keep anything edible, but that's just a perk of the stalking side of the job that Old Knudsen has enjoyed since he was a small animal. Damn do I hate being in the thrall of these gassy weemen pigs, why do the crazies always attract Old Knudsen? I should never have come mall shopping without my aluminium hat.

Old Knudsen keeps getting e-letters and telegraphs from all over the world asking him so-called all important questions that Old Knudsen just takes for granted. You know I was one of Ghod's fallen angels but I was more like a "I have fallen and I cannae get up" type. My hips were designed mainly for the thrusting of ghey male love makin not for getting up when I slip in the bath. Don't go assuming I was taken no baths either.

One question I got was from anon in Norn Iron: " Hey ya old fucker how come those Jews and Muzzies don't go eating no pork? I fuckin love a bacon sarndie meself, so wots their problem?"

A very good question, not as good as why Ian Paisley can only cum during doggy style sex but still a good question.

The reason goes back 250 million years ago. Man and dinosaur bitterly fought over land. Don't go by what those scientists have to say they weren't there in the time of Ghod and they get timeliness and tan lines confused all the time. I was the same whenever I saw a weemens play area and her nearby located sewer pipe, Old Knudsen got a taste for the sewer pipe after his very first sexual experience. Thanks for nothing mom.

The people called upon Jesus Christ who was a young man living in a condo by the sea of tranquillity, he had worked out a way how to turn water into wine by the use of grapes and yeast which was truly a miracle, but he did like to drink it quite a bit probably because he was Scottish on his father's side. A bit like how I pretend to be from Haggisville instead of admitting that I am in fact just a lying cunt from Bogtrotterland.

Jesus had many a dinosaur skull nailed to the wall of his shack since he was a dino slayer in his prime, but since the whole 3 nail fiasco his edge had gone.
He agreed to go out and talk to the dinosaurs and invited many back for peace talks, oh an important fact being that Jesus' father was from the Protestant Campbell clan and they cannae be trusted, just ask Ronald McDonald about the massacre at Glencoe and then you'll know why.

After the singing of the sad songs and the 'can ye take a punch' entertainment, Jesus and his hippy crew set about the dinosaurs killing them in a crimson slaughter. The whole lamb of Ghod and lamb to the slaughter sayings cums from this but I dinnae wanna confuse ya as I know only the real Canadian seal clubbing thickos amongst you cum here to mingle with other web-footed readers sheltering in the Internet cafes from the rain.

Some of the dinosaur flesh fell onto the fire (which had recently been given to us by Prometheus, but that's a whole different kettle of fish) and fuck did it smell good, we were sick of eating Mana we bought at the local market over in Heaven so we all got stuck in. Before long the lust for a good feed over took our fear of dinosaurs and we came up with brilliant ways of killing the beasts (a tradition that has endured) even the crazy Arab mud men started to eat it, we all know Judaism came from Arabs and so it was passed down to Islam then because of the booming population there was a mass extinction of dinosaurs.

Eating the mammals soon came along and and those who missed the olden days ate birds like chicken and said, "tastes like raptor" which became a standing joke. People divided and some got sick of chicken and ate lovely pork and before you know it holy wars kicked off all based on the menu. A bit like Burger King and the Mac people, but without the litter.

Through time most of this has been forgotten and now its "tastes like chicken" and now we don't use important reasons like food to hate each other we just hate them for being different which is a lot more civilised. Parents now feed their children Dino chicken nuggets but don't know why, they don't even remember when fish had fingers but serve them up too.

I hope this has answered yer question Anon from Norn Iron and if have any further questions then google it ya lazy cunt, stop writing to me, I have a burning ring of fire and I can feel an almighty fart coming on. Clean up, aisle 3....

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Go ahead... shat on me again.