My Sect Secrets - Old Knudsen
In November of 98 I got mixed up with some very strange peeple. I joined what I thought was a cockfighting ring of retired merchant semen, they were real odd balls, hence me thinking it was a version of the very ghey Masons. It turned out to be something called the Order of Old War Deserters. I don't expect many of you to have heard of it, they are very secret and their location can only be deciphered by watching re-runs of Gilligan and the Professor backwards. I caught the eye of a young man named Ian Paisley who soon went on to call himself the King of Eyeland and took over the moniker of the worlds most razor-slashed man, Jimmie the ugly Bastard, a nasty piece of haggis shit with more tram lines than Belgium. Well it was more of a stage name after his army boxing career that so nearly took off if it hadn't been for the fact that he, like me, is a cowardly cunt.
The Ghey Order was into gray magic, a version of black magic, but no darkies were allowed. Don't get me started on those darkies....... Gray magic enlarges a mans penis and increases the chances of dispatching semenal elementals to kill your enemy. The man-chicks go nuts for that sort of thing, in fact that's where I met my second husband Alfredo. No wait, that was actually my third husband, I get so confused, sometimes I think I have a sign on me forehead that only weemen and the odd ghey can see that says,"use my face for sex", now I'm not complaining, did ya hear me complain? No, just so ya know, after Old Knudsen gets his there's none of that cuddlin shite going on, it's a long stinky phart and I'm straight to sleep and you had better make me a cup of tea before you leave in the morning. Don't think I'm a playa, (I'm not dead yet I can use that word) I consider myself a bit of a romantic, not only will I make sure that the bed sheets were washed that month I always have one of them blue tablets to drop into the toilet's water tank to turn the water blue, I know what other ghey men like, anyway why the fuck am I giving away my secrets of seduction?
Back to what I was almost talking about, Paisley was a junkie arsehole, no wonder he saw Spirits and Demons with the amount of drugs he took, me on the other hand am the real thing my Spirit guide on the other side, Chief Eagle Droppings, told me to stop banging Paisley's wife or get "fuckin kneecapped". My other Spirit guide, Chief Hom Osexual, told me to give him a last seeing to as the poor dude would miss me. I'm a sucker for a sob story, as well as a well hung cock, but my other Spirit guide, Chief Brown Eye, said " thankyou for taking the time to visit my astral plane and taking a shit on my porcelain" the fucker, don't you just hate it when they say that?
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing ... so you lot should be on fcuking camels following a star.
You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him..... Everyone says Old Knudsen is so funny and lovely, he thinks you lot are cunts..... not sure if that says anything about Old Knudsen other than being a good judge of character.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, anymore than standing in yer garage makes you a Volkswagon.... Old Knudsen made a sandwich once, yer Ma was the meat.
Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back because that simply means you’re two steps ahead..... Ka - Chow!
Ok the skeptical cunts amongst you will say its all coincidence, statistics show that every 23 minutes a Canadian will do an Intershed search for ghey or bisexual dirty words, so if you are a durty old seal clubber that gets your jollies off by ogling porn, the chances are you'll get a hit from a dumbass (why are they such dirty shites?) well ok, my clever use of Ontario Rimjob in one of my titles did catch someone. :::Waves at the lezzer.:::
Just so you know, I accepted Jesus as my personal trainer so no more late night sex magick rites followed by a sacrifice and a barbeque, oh no,at 10 pm its a cup of Bovril followed by 12 beers then its off to bed for me until I wake up in a pool of piss or vomit (sometimes both) then I get up and have a good blog to clear my system.