Old Knudsen has been to his old military unit reunion in Castlerath today, Ginger, Spotty, Algie and Spiffy were all there (in my own mind) along with my faithful labrador, Nigger. Rank? yes, about twice a day whether I need it or not, oh you said rank! I’m a full blooded Colonel in the Terrorism Intelligence Taskforce Section, or TITS for short. Current assignment: Yer Ma! (code for classified) but seeing its only you I’ll tell ya.
Old Knudsen has been sent back to ghey old Northern Ireland, because like Fresno, Arkansas and Doncaster there is a rip in the time space continiumiumium in Belfast. The rip means that invasion from other dimensions are likely to occur in these places and units must be in place to defend the world against them.
Old Knudsen AKA Stormbringer AKA GheyFluffy Cheeks has been sent to head this unit, team designation Harshword. Or was that just to give head? I can never remember with this fucking Olttimers disease.
A team of experts with local ghey knowledge, Steeky, a weapons expert and hetro basher. If ya need top o the line hardware like baseball bats, blades, metal bars or smuggled cigarettes then he is yer man. Mary-Jane, the brains and groundsheet of the operation does the washing and makes the tae and works in the corner shap so we can afford to search every pub and club in Fresno for dangerous aliens and ghey jumpsuits.
Colonel Knudsen, expert in hand to crotch fighting and pretending to be dead in battle, he has a vast knowledge of alien lifeforms and what he doesn’t know he makes up. He once fucked up ET so badly the ugly wee fucker was begging to phone for a taxi to get home.
Outside the government, outside the law, outside yer window taking a crap. When aliens cum who ya gonna call? The Police or Ghostbusters, but you’ll be glad that after they get eaten Old Knudsen freefalls in to shiv those close encunters.
Old Knudsen once made Ming the Merciless smell his own brand. Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer both have nightmares about Old Knudsen. Whenever you hear that ice cream man with yer Teddy bears picnic chiming at full blast outside your window, don’t fuck wthi me cos I can hock up a phlegm ball that can kill at 30 feet and I am deadly. Old Knudsen rules the mean streets of his own warped mind, this is Knudsen City and there's a new cunting sheriff in town.
If you go to a city and then to the outskirts, not even to the more rural banjo bible thumping regions you’ll see that the people in both places are different. City folk are more pushy and nothing will phase them, “They were kicking the poor man to death and I just thought why doesn’t someone stop this ? if I don’t get past I’ll miss my bus.” The townie types would open up a few cans of beer and watch.
The folks in other cuntries are different too. Old Knudsen having a PhD in Americunt studies and the study thereof knows the Yank and pities the Yank, for they are fed fear by the media and ghey hormones by the Obama's darkie government. Don't get me started on the darkies......
The typical Americunt has had all thought of rebelling against the government bred out of them, now they have tea parties and hold up strongly worded signs. Old Knudsen was a part of ‘Project Wuss’ in the early 50′s, we went to the dangerous mountain gorillas and treated their bananas in chemicals until they became less dangerous, now all the great apes do is charge a little, phart loudly and thump their chests, before they would turn yer hed into jam.
Old Knudsen loves a zombie film and the majority are set in America. If Americunts turned into zombies they may lurch towards you looking like they want to eat yer brain but all they would do is give you a good old moaning and bore you rigid.